Coping with Grief and Loss Stages of Grief, the Grieving Process, and Learning to Heal

Whatever loss you’ve suffered, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But by understanding the types and stages of grief, you can find healthier ways to cope.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness.

The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.

Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of life’s biggest challenges. You may associate grieving with bereavement, the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief.

The most common sources of grief are:

  1. Bereavement (the death of a loved one).
  2. Death of a pet.
  3. Divorce or relationship breakup.
  4. Loss of health.
  5. Losing a job.
  6. Loss of financial stability.
  7. A miscarriage.
  8. Retirement.
  9. Loss of a cherished dream.
  10. A loved one’s serious illness.
  11. Loss of a friendship.
  12. Loss of safety after a trauma.
  13. Selling the family home.

Even subtle losses in life can trigger a sense of grief. For example, you might grieve after moving away from home, graduating from college, or changing jobs.

Whatever your loss, it’s personal to you, so don’t feel ashamed about how you feel, or believe that it’s somehow only appropriate to grieve for certain things. If the person, animal, relationship, or situation was significant to you, it’s normal to grieve the loss you’re experiencing. Whatever the cause of your grief, though, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can ease your sadness and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and eventually move on with your life.

The grief of losing a loved one

Whether it’s a close friend, spouse, partner, parent, child, or other relative, few things are as painful as losing someone you love. After such a significant loss, life may never seem quite the same again. But in time, you can ease your sorrow, start to look to the future, and eventually come to terms with your loss.

Myths and facts about grief and grieving

Myth:

The pain will go away faster if you ignore it 

Fact:

Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth:

It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss. 

Fact:

Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

Myth:

If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss. 

Fact:

Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth:

Grieving should last about a year. 

Fact:

There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.

Myth:

Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss. 

Fact:

Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.

The grieving process

Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experiences, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

How to deal with the grieving process

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

  1. Acknowledge your pain.
  2. Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
  3. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
  4. Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
  5. Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
  6. Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

The 5 stages of grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The 5 stages of grief are:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal.

In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Grief can be a roller coaster

Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer.

The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

Symptoms of grief and grieving

While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following symptoms when we’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs.

Emotional symptoms of grief

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If a pet or someone you love has died, for example, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt. You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (feeling relieved when a person died after a long, difficult illness, for example). You may even feel guilty for not doing more to prevent your loss, even if it was completely out of your hands.

Fear. A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. If you’ve lost your partner, your job, or your home, for example, you may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure about the future. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger uncertainty and fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

Anger. Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Physical symptoms of grief

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:

Types of grief and loss

Since the experience of grieving following the loss of someone or something important to you tends to be unique to you, it’s difficult to label any type of grief as either “normal” or “abnormal”. However, there are types of grief that fall outside the expected symptoms and reactions described above. These include:

Anticipatory grief

As the name suggests, anticipatory grief develops before a significant loss occurs rather than after. If a loved one is terminally ill, for example, you have an aging pet, or you know that your retirement or job loss is imminent you may start grieving your loss before it has fully unfolded.

Like conventional grief, anticipatory grief can involve a mix of confusing emotions, particularly anger. Some people even equate it to giving up hope and refuse to allow themselves to grieve before their loss has occurred. However, anticipatory grief can also give you chance to prepare for your loss, resolve any unfinished business, or say your goodbyes, for example.

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief can occur when your loss is devalued, stigmatized, or cannot be openly mourned. Some people may minimize the loss of a job, a pet, or a friendship, for example, as something that’s not worth grieving over. You may feel stigmatized if you suffered a miscarriage or lost a loved one to suicide.

Disenfranchised grief can also occur when your relationship to a deceased is not recognized. Some people may consider it inappropriate to grieve for a work colleague, classmate, or neighbor, for example. As a close friend or same-sex partner you may be denied the same sympathy and understanding as a blood relative. This can make it even more difficult to come to terms with your loss and navigate the grieving process.

Complicated grief

The pain at a significant loss may never completely disappear, but it should ease up over time. When it doesn’t—and it keeps you from resuming your daily life and relationships—it may be a sign of complicated grief.

Complicated grief usually arises from the death of a loved one, where the loss has left you stuck in a state of bereavement. You may be unable to accept your loved one has gone, search for them in familiar places, experience intense longing, or even feel that life isn’t worth living.

If you’re experiencing complicated grief and the pain from your loss remains unresolved, it’s important to reach out for support and take the steps that will enable you to heal.

Finding support for grief and loss

The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others and retreat into your shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is vital to healing from loss. Even if you’re not comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving.

While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry, that doesn’t mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need to talk about your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself.

Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Rather than avoiding them, draw friends and loved ones close, spend time together face to face, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Often, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just someone to hang out with. If you don’t feel you have anyone you can regularly connect with in person, it’s never too late to build new friendships.

Accept that many people feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who’s grieving. Grief can be a confusing, sometimes frightening emotion for many people, especially if they haven’t experienced a similar loss themselves. They may feel unsure about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. But don’t use that as an excuse to retreat into your shell and avoid social contact. If a friend or loved one reaches out to you, it’s because they care.

Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.

Join a support group. Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers, or see the links below.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If your grief feels like too much to bear, find a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. If in-person therapy is not accessible to you, consider an online therapy platform, which can be just as effective.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.

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Beware how you use social media

Social media can be useful in letting others know about your loss and reaching out for support. However, it can also attract Internet trolls who post inappropriate, insensitive, or even abusive messages. To spare yourself additional pain and heartache at this time, you may want to limit your social media use to closed groups rather than public postings that can be commented on by anyone.

Taking care of yourself as you grieve

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Even if you’re not able to talk about your loss with others, it can help to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, for example. Or you could release your emotions by making a scrapbook or volunteering for a cause related to your loss.

Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. There’s comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to self-medicate, numb the pain of grief, or lift your mood artificially.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones can reawaken painful memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. You can plan ahead by making sure that you’re not alone, for example, or by marking your loss in a creative way

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Here are 10 tips to make your relationship flourish

You can make your relationship work. It may be hard work but understanding why it could fail and making a concerted effort to work on the things that potentially cause it to fail is the key among other things that can help make your relationship stronger and long-lasting. Believe it or not, great marriages/relationships do not just happen. Couples must put in effort and time to reap and enjoy the benefits of the relationship. Relationships are like investments, if you do not put capital and time into any investment, you will have zero returns. The biggest challenge for many couples, is a lack of good “Communication skills” which affects couples working as a team. Nearly 99.9 % of relationship breakdowns, separations, and divorces are caused by poor communication skills. Over 20 years of my working experience, with couples of all races, nationalities, culture, and traditions, I have seen a trend that, “Relationships that flourishes have good communication skills, and relationships that goes down and burn out have poor communications.”

1. On a personal level take responsibility to make the relationship work

“It is not what your spouse can do for you, it is what you can do for your spouse” I would like to ask both of you, what can you do to make the relationship better? Think ! could be those little things that you think do not matter to your spouse can make a great deal of difference in your relationship if you take them seriously. Relationships are like two-way traffic; you give and take. Do not be a selfish person. Giving your spouse a hug, a cuddle, a kiss, small gifts, asking them how they are feeling, how was their day, remembering their birthday or anniversary, being there for them especially when they really need you most, being there in the moment, giving them full attention while they are talking to you, etc shows you care. Below are some of the hot topics that most couples struggle with. But what I find remarkable is, that when you get deep down to the root cause of these issues, you will find out either poor or lack of communication is a factor. The key to a strong, happy, harmonious lasting relationship, is the way we engage with our spouse. You can only know your spouse’s heart when they speak it out. When we communicate to our spouse, from the deepest of our hearts, especially about what we need, we show our vulnerability and the need to work out issues in collaboration. Couples work as a team, not as opponents. In every criticism, there is always a wish or unmet need, but there is a better way to express those needs.” Critism is character assassination “

2. On families and friends

The biggest mistake many couples make is to involve family members and friends in their relationship affairs. The reason why we do not involve them in our relationship is that they take on side of their loved ones. Are you a victim of this? Keep your family and friends out of your relationship. If you cannot agree on issues, compromise, and meet halfway, if not, then seek help from a therapist. I’ve seen families and friends break up great marriages and relationships. Let your families and friends mind their own business.

3. On Finances

How are you both managing family finance? Over 70% of couples struggle in this area. Some spouses are very poor money managers. The best way to overcome this issue is to let the spouse who is good with money matters manage the family finances. (Let all your earnings go to one account and from there all family expenditures will be paid) transparency and honesty is a virtue. How much does your spouse earn? Talk about money and plan wisely.

4. On household responsibilities

Do you share duties, and work as a team? Many couples struggle to share responsibilities in the house, especially if they have more than one kid. To deal with this area couple come up with a weekly / monthly Rota on sharing duties.

5. On Activities

What do you do together as a couple? date nights, evening walks, watching movies, attending church/ mosque events, etc. This helps couples to be both emotionally and physically connected. Statistics show the more activities couples do together, the better their sex life.

6. On intimacy & Sex

You can have sex without intimacy and vice versa, being emotionally connected will result in satisfaction in both. How is your sex life, and who initiates it? Anyone can initiate sex if both spouses are emotionally connected. Girl! you are beautiful and sexy, do not be ashamed of your right. It does not have to be the man that initiates sex all the time. Surprise him when he goes to the shower and has a quickie especially when kids are not at home. Unplanned sex is sweet. Sex helps couples to relax and reduces stress-related disorders. If one of the spouses has a very high sex drive, that’s fine come to an agreement on how many times you should be having sex in a day or week. Talk about it Note! Intimacy starts in the kitchen, or the lounge, women are emotionally affectionate, whereas men are physical. My man if you want cookies at night, please start being nice in the morning. Those sexy texts, touching, hugs, kisses, words of affirmation, and praises for the way she looks, make her horny, and she can’t wait to be intimate with you.

7. Communication

How are your communication skills? Definition: Communication is when a spouse expresses a need to be met, whereas the other spouse is listening attentively without interrupting them, trying to understand the need, and then both spouses work out the need in a collaboration. Couples work as a team, so any need that comes into the relationship has to be tackled in a teamwork strategy. Doing these makes the couple stronger, creates deeper bonding, and helps to build emotional strength to overcome future challenges in the relationship. I suggest you come up with a day and time may be a weekend fortnightly when you are both off work, where you will have a “Couples therapy meeting ” in couples therapy session couples became emotionally NAKED to each other. (They put their whole heart on the table).By doing this they became open, and transparent, build trust, create a deeper bond, and became more vulnerable. Remember your spouse is your best friend, lover, confidant, therapist, and your soul mate.

8. Couples Therapy sessions (Relationship evaluation weekly/Fortnightly)

In the couples therapy meetings, couples discuss these points or more depending on where they are at. Generally checking whether they are still on the same page in the relationship. 1. What is your spouse doing well? 2. What are you doing well as a couple? 3.What do you want more of? 4.What can your spouse improve on? 5.What are your desires? 6.What are your wants? 7.What are your needs? 8. What is bothering both of you? Note! there must be a follow-up on this meeting.

9. Vision / me time

Where do you want to be in the next 5 to 10 years? Do you discuss it as a couple?

10. What are the arrangements for ‘me-time’

Time out with the Girls and boys is important to a healthy relationship. Relationship needs to breath, do not choke your souse by being too much on them.

Couples can talk about any other topics which matter to them. This exercise is to make couples come to the table and start having a meaningful conversation.

The power couple ingredients:

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Humans are hardwired for social connection. Without the ease of electricity, running water, or Starbucks drive-throughs, the collective survival of our early ancestors depended on being able to work together; to trust one another.

Emotional intimacy — a closeness between two people who feel safe and secure with each other — is one of the ways we form that trust.

Unfortunately, many of us have built-in barriers that make it difficult to build emotional connections.

For example, depression has been shown to strain romantic relationships while some personality disorders make it hard to get close to other people. Or, if you were raised to hide your emotions, being open and vulnerable in relationships might feel super uncomfortable.

But if emotional intimacy is a mountain in your path, know there are routes to the summit — even if you can’t see them clearly yet. This article will cover what emotional intimacy looks like and how you can cultivate more of it in your life.

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What does emotional intimacy look like?

We often define relationships as being high in emotional intimacy when there’s trust, good communication, and closeness, says Dr. Joti Samra, a registered psychologist and CEO and founder of MyWorkPlaceHealth.

By no means does the relationship need to be sexual in nature, she adds. While emotional intimacy helps hold romantic relationships together, you can be just as emotionally intimate with a platonic friend as with your significant other, she says.

Here are some examples of how emotional intimacy might be expressed and formed:

Don’t confuse emotional intimacy with harmful relationship habits

Emotional intimacy is built on equal communication and trust. If your relationship is one-sided, it may be time to reconsider how that connection is going, says Samra.

For example, unloading your emotional burden on someone to get pity or cause guilt is not being emotionally intimate. Neither is trauma bonding, a term used to describe the bond that forms between a victim and their abuser.

Similarly, depending on another person to the point where it blurs personal boundaries is not emotional intimacy and may be a sign of a codependent relationship.

How to know if there’s a lack of emotional intimacy

According to Samra, if you’re not getting emotional intimacy in a relationship, you might feel:

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How to get more emotionally intimate with someone

Building emotional intimacy isn’t like baking bread — there’s no set formula. Everyone develops it differently and has differing levels of comfort around it, said Samra.

But you can get the ball rolling by applying some of the following advice.

Work on being an engaged listener

According to Samra, communication is the bedrock of building trust. And real communication happens when people actually hear one another. “It’s being able to hear someone, listen to someone, understand them, and then, behaviorally, to be able to execute and [act] based on what those needs are,” she said.

Problem-solve difficult feelings

If you have high emotional intelligence, identifying and communicating emotions — in yourself or in others — might feel second nature. But know that it might not be so easy for your partner. So when things get tense or hard, start by asking broad questions.

“If someone says they’re upset, [ask] what does that mean? Is it anger? Is it sad? Is it fearful?” says Samra.

If you have trouble putting labels on your emotions, you might find emotion wheels help you get specific.

Leave your comfort zone

Inside each of us is an internal fortress that safeguards all deepest truths, the pieces of ourselves we’ve decided need protecting.

Being vulnerable is like opening up a side door in the castle wall and letting someone else in. It’s a way of signaling that you trust them, and usually it helps the other person feel like they can trust you in return.

Couples, have more (healthy) sex!

If you’re in a partnership, being physically intimate can go a long way in making you feel close to your partner. One study found being sexually satisfied significantly predicted the level of emotional intimacy between married people.

If you want to improve your sex life, a good place to start is working on having emotionally healthy sex.

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Create a safe space

Fundamental to building emotional intimacy is asking: What does the other person require for safety and trust? says Samra. In order for the other person to let their guard down and be vulnerable, they first need to feel safe doing so.

Don’t rush the process

Building trust can take time. We shouldn’t expect the other person — nor ourselves — to immediately be comfortable with vulnerability, says Samra.

Check-in questions after an intimate moment

If you want to get a better understanding of an intimate encounter, ask yourself these questions about how it went.

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How to restore emotional intimacy when trust has been broken

Unfortunately, emotional intimacy can also be lost. This can feel devastating and sometimes intensely painful. However, there may be a path toward rebuilding what you lost, if the other person is willing.

What to do if you’ve been hurt

If someone has hurt you, you might be scared as hell to let them back in. That totally makes sense. Your situation is unique to you but one thing is for sure: you need to get real about how this person affects your life. To help you understand if it’s time to put some distance between you and this person, ask yourself these questions:

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Don’t depend on one person for all your emotional needs

One of the downfalls of modern day partnerships is that we expect to get all of our needs met by our significant other. Not only is this taxing on both people, it’s pretty limiting to rely on one person’s perspective and advice.

Plus, relationships end. You don’t want to get yourself into a situation where the end of a relationship means the end of your emotional support system.

So in parting, we encourage you to keep up with your platonic relationships, too. Give your best friend — or maybe your mom! — a call tonight. They’ll be happy to hear from you.

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Have you ever noticed your feelings?

How often have you stepped into others’ shoes and experienced their emotions?

How well do you understand what you feel and why you feel so?

Emotional Intelligence is our mind’s ability to perceive, manage, and express emotions effectively in real life. Jack Mayer and Peter Salovey (1990) defined Emotional Intelligence (or E.I.) as the ability to regulate feelings and use them to guide our actions.

Like I.Q., emotional intelligence varies from one person to another. While some people are gifted by birth in the way they understand and deal with people, others may need help to build their emotional skills.

Getting fluent in the language of emotions helps us sustain our relationships both personally and professionally. Emotional intelligence can empower the mind and make us happy and content.

The term “Emotional Intelligence” was first published in a paper by Michael Beldoch in 1964, but became popular after Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book “Emotional Intelligence – Why it can matter more than IQ.”

A well-balanced, empathetic, and friendly person is more emotionally aware than an unempathetic and demotivated individual. The studies of Daniel Goleman illustrated an emotionally intelligent person to have:

How many of the above qualities can you relate to yourself?

In this article, we will try to uncover the practical implications of emotional intelligence and discuss how to use it for wholesome and healthy living.

Before you read on, we thought you might like to download our three Emotional Intelligence Exercises for free. These science-based exercises will not only enhance your ability to understand and work with your emotions but will also give you the tools to foster the emotional intelligence of your clients, students or employees.

Can E.I. Be Learned?

“Our emotions have a mind of their own, one which can hold views quite independently of our rational mind.”

Daniel Goleman (1995, p. 20)

Research suggests that people with average or below average E.Q. can do just as well as others by learning it. The only thing needed is the motivation to learn and the intention to apply it in real life.

Emotional Intelligence can be gained and improved at any point in life (Goleman, 2014). Learning emotional intelligence skills needs a resourceful environment where we can picture the areas, or the aspects of E.I. that we should focus on, and seek expert advice on how to do so.

4 Stages of Learning Emotional Intelligence

1. Insight

Any learning starts when we are aware that there is something in us that needs to be changed or improved, and we are ready to make those changes happen. Emotional intelligence has five components in it:

Self-awareness – the knowledge of what we feel and why we feel so

Self-regulation – the ability to express our feelings in the right way

Motivation – the internal drive to change the way we feel and express

Empathy – the ability to relate to others’ emotions and see the world from their perspective

Social skills – the power to communicate effectively and build strong connections at home or in the workplace.

Learning E.I. starts with gaining insight into which aspect of E.I. we should work on. Some of us may have solid social skills but lack in self-regulation while others may be high on motivation but poor in self-regulation. The learning process begins with the knowledge of which aspect of E.I. to develop first.

2. Assessment

The next step is attempting to measure where we stand on each of the E.I aspects. E.I. tests are widely available online, or if you are seeking training in a professional setup, there will be materials provided to you for assessing your emotional intelligence.

Here are a few assessments and emotional intelligence tests that we can take for evaluating our E.I. The scores in each of them are indicative of whether or not we need to learn emotional skills, and where do we practically stand as an emotionally aware human being.

3. Training

Assessment opens us to a range of options to choose from. Depending on what part of emotional intelligence we need to work on, we can decide what sort of training would suit us the best. For example, a low score in motivational and social communication aspects can be improved by organizational training.

Many professional sectors offer E.I. courses and workshops for employees who are keen to build their interpersonal skills.

E.I. training improves:

4. Application

The final and the most critical stage of learning emotional intelligence is incorporating the chalk talk in real life. The exercise and self-help activities that structure E.I. courses are productive only when we can implement in real-life situations.

The skills and techniques that these learning modules impart to us can be used in:

Can Emotional Intelligence Be Taught and Developed?

Teaching emotional intelligence to individuals not only builds their emotional skills, but it also sustains the education over several years (Nelis, Quoidbach, Mikolajczak, & Hansenne, 2009).

Delphine Nelis, a cognitive psychologist, established her fact in an experiment with 40 college students. She divided the sample population into two groups and provided a four-week E.I. training to only one of the groups.

Findings from her study indicated that the group that received the practice not only showed marked improvement in their emotional abilities, but they also continued to manifest the same even after six months of the experiment.

Although this was a small scale pilot study to understand the influence of emotional intelligence training, the results were quite significant and suggested the possible long-term effects of education on E.I.

Although Delphine Nelis initiated this pilot study, now you can also become an Emotional Intelligence Expert and teach others by enrolling in our highly acclaimed Emotional Intelligence Masterclass©. This is the best way to help others understand and use their emotions in life-enriching ways.

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The first post in this blog series, “3 Ways to Tell if Worry Is Helpful”, explained why people worry and covered the “3 A’s of adaptive worry”. This post discusses five ways to spot maladaptive, unhelpful worry.

Worrying can be helpful and adaptive – or unhelpful and maladaptive. Worrying more than you need is stressful. It’s hard on you and often on the people around you.

“But what if….?!?”

How can you tell when a worry is excessive? What are hallmarks of maladaptive worrying? Here are five signs of maladaptive worrying.

1. Unhelpful worry keeps saying “What if…?!!” Maladaptive worry proposes a series of horrifying “What if’s. Vivid, scary pictures of bad things that “might” happen come to mind, even if they are inaccurate or unlikely.

Getting reassurance helps temporarily, but worry returns again and again. If one worry is resolved, another takes its place.

2. Unhelpful worry wants total safety and certainty. Maladaptive worry makes unrealistic, impossible demands. It wants guaranteed safety.

Unhelpful worry says if something frightening is possible, it is likely and you should worry. It confuses lack of absolute certainty with proof of danger.

In reality, life has never offered guaranteed safety. Life offers risks and opportunities.

3. Unhelpful worry overestimates danger and underestimates your ability to cope and survive. Maladaptive worry tells you, “Danger is likely, and you won’t be able to cope!” It overestimates how serious possible dangers are. Even when worries come true, they are often not as bad as the worry predicted.

Unhelpful worry tells you to worry about dangers that do not exist or are so unlikely that worrying makes no sense. I call these “meteor” worries. For example, it is possible that a meteor may crash through the roof as I type these words, but I don’t worry about the possibility because it is so very unlikely.

Unhelpful worry also underestimates your ability to cope. As humans, we are a resilient, coping species. Find reasons to trust yourself. Remember difficulties you have surmounted and challenges you have met. Think about your accomplishments, strengths, resources, and problem-solving skills.

4. Unhelpful worry wants you to believe that “This time is different!” Maladaptive worry has a terrible track record. Most of what it predicts never happens, but it wants you to ignore that. It tells you each new worry is accurate, realistic, and likely.

It always finds something to worry about, shifting from one thing to the next until it finds something that makes you anxious. Once you feel anxious, it is natural to think you are facing a threat.

As discussed in the first blog of the series, your brain’s alarm system (your amygdala or “reacting brain”) can misfire and send false alarms. Just because you are afraid does not mean you are threatened. Test your worry against the “three A’s of adaptive worry.”

5. Unhelpful worry can be triggered from past experience. You may be more likely to worry if past experiences made you believe you are vulnerable or unable to cope, others cannot be trusted, and/or the world is a dangerous place. The primitive “reacting brain” remembers and worries because of your past – even when there is no danger in your present.

You may remember Jonathan from the first blog in this series. Jonathan constantly worried that his car was going to have a serious problem even though no problems occurred, and his skilled mechanic repeatedly checked and reassured him.

Jonathan’s sense of impending danger and his trouble trusting stemmed from lessons he learned growing up with an alcoholic father. Jonathan never knew when his father would be drunk and angry, so he was always anxiously on guard. This hypervigilance was helpful in childhood but it continued into adulthood, keeping Jonathan unnecessarily worried and tense.

Jonathan grew up hearing his father’s say over and over, “You can’t trust anyone. They’re all incompetent idiots. They take your money and screw you over.” These lessons made it difficult to trust which contributed to his maladaptive worry.

Summary

Worry can serve a useful purpose – or create unneeded stress. Worry can be adaptive – or maladaptive. Maladaptive worry is not accurate or consistent with the facts, it urges you to take actions that are not appropriate, and it stays around or keeps coming back.

Be skeptical if your worry says any of the following or prompts you to think along these lines:

  1. “What if…?” Focus on what could go wrong.
  2. “Are you sure?” You need guaranteed safety and total certainty.
  3. “Danger is likely; you can’t cope.” The likelihood of danger is overestimated; your strength and resilience are underestimated.
  4. “This time is different!” This time worrying is justified. Disregard the fact that past worries were wrong.
  5. “Keep reacting to lessons from the past” Unhelpful reactions from the past continue even when your life has changed.

derived from psychology today read more on https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/overcoming-anxiety-and-panic/202306/5-signs-that-worry-is-not-helpful

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Think of the last time you had your favorite meal or sweet treat. When you had the very last bite, did you try to make it last as long as possible? Can you taste it even now? If so, you used a technique that psychologists find boosts everyday happiness and satisfaction: You savored the pleasurable experience of eating that delicious double-fudge brownie. Savoring is the deliberate practice of focusing on, enjoying, and prolonging the positive emotions associated with an experience.

Did you know that you can apply the same technique to your relationships to get added benefits not only for your well-being but also for your relationship quality? For example, how often do you try to stretch out the final seconds of a hug with a loved one before you have to say goodbye? Do you think about the warmth of the hug, maybe their familiar scent, or the sound of their voice long after you’ve parted ways? Savoring important moments of interpersonal connection is called relational savoring. The practice may allow you to harness the full potential of your relationships.

Relational savoring involves reflecting on and appreciating moments when you feel safe and connected to others. It is based in attachment theory, which states that early experiences in attachment relationships (e.g. with our parent/s or other caregivers) form the foundation for our socioemotional well-being. The ways in which caregivers respond to our emotional needs send powerful messages about relationships, the world, and our ability to get our needs met in the future. For example, Marcus feels comforted before bedtime when his grandmother offers a hug and explains that there are no monsters under the bed. As a result, Marcus learns that the important people in his life can serve an essential function, helping to anchor and support him in his emotional life. In another household, Lana cries out to her mother but is told to stop being noisy and to go to bed. Lana internalizes a very different kind of message: that important people in her life cannot be relied upon for comfort and that she should not communicate her emotional needs.

In adulthood, our relationships are complicated. We have positive interactions – ones that make us feel safe and accepted and safe – and we have other experiences in which we feel overlooked, rejected, and unsafe. Our lives are also busy and most of us don’t take the time to slow down and reflect. When we do reflect on our experiences, it’s easy to let our minds run with all the negative interactions of our day, even if we don’t intend to. We can spend a lot of time thinking about times when we were hurt or worrying about how we might be rejected in the future. This is important, because the more time we spend thinking about an experience, the more significance we grant to the experience.

However, when you make an effort to savor moments in which you felt secure, supported, protected, or accepted (or when you help others feel this way) you can play an active role in positively shaping the way you feel and think about relationships. By savoring these shared moments, you can also improve your ability to understand your own emotions and those of others. Perhaps a friend listens intently to your problems and makes you feel understood, a coworker gives you a reassuring smile and thumbs-up during a big presentation, or you hold a crying child after they scrape their knee on the playground. Shining a light on these experiences magnifies the importance you give them and the real estate they occupy in your mind. Reflecting and appreciating these interactions can boost your mood, strengthen your relationships, and support your overall well-being.

Researchers studying this technique have discovered links between relational savoring and increased positive emotions and relationship satisfaction, reduced negative emotions, and even improved cardiovascular health. The effectiveness of relational savoring in improving these domains of well-being has been tested in couples in long distance relationships, adolescents, older adults, and mothers of young children. To reap these benefits of relational savoring for your individual and interpersonal health, here are some easy steps you can take right now.

5 Steps to Make the Most of Your Relationships

Relational savoring involves deeply reflecting on a moment of close connection between you and someone else. Here are some simple instructions you can follow to engage in this technique.

First, select a memory that you would like to savor—one in which you felt safe, close, or connected to another person. You may wish to savor a memory of a time when you felt joy when helping someone else, or a time when someone needed you and you were there for them. It may be a time when you felt comforted, soothed, protected, or supported by another person. It could also be a time when you helped someone else feel this way. Feel free to choose something that you felt was a special moment or something that happens on a daily basis.

Once you have a memory you want to focus on, set yourself up for success by picking a calm time and setting in which you can reflect deeply on this shared experience. It may be helpful to use some simple mindfulness strategies to get in the right mindset before you begin.

When you are ready, bring the memory to mind and follow these five steps as you reflect on your memory:

steps to follow

  1. Sensory reflection: At what time did the event occur? Where did it occur? What was the other person wearing? What were you wearing? What could you hear, smell, taste, see, and touch?
  2. Emotional reflection: How were you feeling? Happy, safe, calm, comfortable, excited? Where did you feel these emotions in your body? Try to focus on the positive emotions and try to feel them in your body now.
  3. Cognitive reflection: What were you thinking? “My friend really needed me at the moment”? “I’m happy I could be there for my brother”? “I’m lucky to have such a supportive mom”?
  4. Future-oriented reflection: Focus on how close you felt to that person in the moment. How will this moment affect your relationship in the future?
  5. Open-ended reflection: Let your mind wander and see what thoughts come to mind in relation to this moment of connection.

Once you know how relational savoring works, you have the tools to intentionally practice relational savoring in your day-to-day life. To collect new memories to savor, you will have to pay attention to moments of connection as they occur, which may be more often than you think.

derived from psychology today https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/thriving/202306/how-to-make-the-most-of-your-relationships

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